I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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