Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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