I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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