Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
