You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
