someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
