apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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