he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
