haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
