The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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