i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
