I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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