Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
