I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
