Swine flu is the new snow day.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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