fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
