Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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