i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
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