And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
