highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
