My sheets look like a crime scene.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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