Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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