My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
