My Higher Power is John Stamos
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
