i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
