i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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