If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
