The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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