I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
