Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
