Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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