The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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