i think my mom watched the whole time
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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