I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
