Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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