the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
