Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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