Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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