Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Boobs speak an international language.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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