he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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