so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
you're hired as official boob wrangler
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
