My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I have already put on my inside pants.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
