apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
