Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
