Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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