apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
