I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Pants are for mortals
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
