either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
