We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
