I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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