Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
