The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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