i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
